I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
