i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
