I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
