ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
