I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
