did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
