Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk is a universal language darling
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