i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
