Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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