the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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