I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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