the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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