if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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