Only a mothe r could love this liver
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
