So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
This baby is an asshole
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
