I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As shirtless as possible
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
