highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
