Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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