I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
