I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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