He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
