This dress was meant to end up on your floor
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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