You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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