I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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