Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
