That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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