Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
