At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
