Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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