I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
