we have pet lesbian snakes
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
