Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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