I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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