6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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