The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
