my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
