His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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