I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
