the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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