i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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