He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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