i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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