I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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