Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
