i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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