and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
