I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
