my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
soo... how was my night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
