What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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