If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
