she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
