yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
