Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
