I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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