Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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