her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
